look no pants
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
