She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
