i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
