My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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