It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I need a beard to bite.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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