Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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