I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
