OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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