I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
