Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
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i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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