so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Im part way to drunk.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
