so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
