i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
