I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
