in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
