Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
