It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
