I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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