I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
