I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
