sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
