My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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