She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
