dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
