Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
