can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
