Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
