My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
