I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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