I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
