I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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