You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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