Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
