grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
