I must be too annoying 4 u.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
