i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
