i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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