It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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