my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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