my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
