do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just found a bag of teeth...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
