i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
