you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
