I hate all girls vehemently.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
