So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
the liver wants what the liver wants
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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