I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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