So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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