I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
