I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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