Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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