its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
