Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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