He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
