he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
handjob tips. give me some.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
