Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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