People in love make me want to vomit
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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