when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
