Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
